CFOG's PIP, April 1987, Volume 5 No. 6, Whole No. 54, page 2

How to Win Friends and Influence People?

[This is another contribution from the world of modems. The author is that prolific writer Anonymous. -- bhc]

For a limited time only, you are being introduced to an amazing offer: THE  R U D E  Operating System (tm) from ROBKO!!!

Are you tired of a boring, slow, nerve-racking operating system? Change all that with the  R U D E  Operating System (tm). Now you can liven up your system and have an interesting, slow, nerve-racking operating system at your fingertips. If you order now, we'll also throw in the new, revolutionary  R U D E  Compiler for a small additional fee!!! Take the boredom out of spending fourteen hours in the computer room by making your session even more challenging with the  R U D E  Operating System (and the  R U D E  Compiler).

The  R U D E  Operating System offers the following features:

• User ID Management: For users who make too many errors (including:)
  
  • Random Password Scrambling
    
  • Random File Dispersal (the system scatters the user's programs throughout the system)
    
  • Random Password Advertisement (the system randomly picks other users on the system to tell the user's password)
  
  
• System "Busy Software": the system will occasionally (on purpose) cause certain hardware parts to "crash" so that the system people will be kept on their toes (including):
  
  • Auto Printer-Jam Software (including paper misalignments)
    
  • Random Terminal Crashes (including keyboard lockups)
    
  • Total System Crash Procedures (including file erasure)
  
  
• Random Command Management: practice of the operating system to execute a random command instead of the command specified by the user. (DELETE *.* is a common example) (also includes):
  
  • Null Management of commands: the operating system does nothing instead of executing the command (but acts as if the command was executed).
    
  • The Zero Time-Slice Syndrome: this happens when some user offends the operating system (making too many errors) and the operating system decreases the user's allotted amount of CPU time (eventually to zero).
  
  
• Added System Security: to facilitate breakins (including):
  
  • Monthly Password Scrambling: to protect the users' files.
    
  • an O.C.A. Commando Squad for quick dispersal of misusers.
  
  
• Random Clock: the system clock and the random number generator are one in the same.
  
  
• Largest-Job-First Queues: this operating system takes all the larger jobs and works on them first leaving the smaller jobs to wait (and wait, and wait ...)
  
  
• and MANY, MANY MORE Features (in future articles!!!)
  
  

How much would you pay for this Computer Science extraveganza??? WAIT... DON'T ANSWER... If you order now, you also get the  R U D E  Compiler, available in all colors, including FORTRAN, COBOL, PL/I, BASIC, ADA, Assembler, etc. This compiler masterpiece has the following features:

• Advanced Error Management (including):
  
  • Random errors upon execution, or - R U D E - type errors:
    %ERROR-E-FIND-
    You have an error in your 10000 line program but you should be able to find it (pinhead).
    %ERROR-E-BOMB-
    Your Program (if I can call it a program) just bombed (you keyboard klutz).
    %ERROR-E-QUOTA-
    Your latest compiling of this program caused you to run out of directory space, therefore, ALL other files are being deleted to make room for it...
    %ERROR-E-TIRED-
    You have exceeded your error limit quota (3 errors) and I think that you should start from scratch. Therefore, your program (or collection of faulty algorithms) is being deleted.
  
  
• Random Error Management: The compiler will occasionally (and I mean occasionally) generate random (unfindable) errors to make the programmer's life more interesting.
  
  
• A direct link between variables in a program and the random number generator.